Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I Wish I Could Miss My Mother

My mother has died at the age of eighty-four. I'll never know if her heart gave out from too many miles on her odometer or because it was so broken by her brazen brats, myself included.

My mother's religion was a religion of rules and rites; this was the most important thing in her life. All came second to that: her husband, her children, her happiness. It was her firm belief that her religion was God on earth, and that faithfulness to it was faithfulness to God. She could never celebrate the successes of herself, her children, or her marriage because this would have been prideful. She also seemed to feel firmly that suffering was necessary to salvation. She apparently felt joined with Jesus in her attempts to suffer for our sins in our stead. This left little space for loving us as we really are, much less liking us.

I suppose I could have tried to be more duplicitous in my relationship with my mother, but my face would have given away my falseness. My mother's religion required that she find fault with herself for poor mothering if she admitted to any approval of our doubts about the letters of her laws. It was an act of mercy to hide my faults from her, and the only way I could do this was to hide myself from her. We simply brought out the beast in each other.

My parents had a very troubled marriage. The sight of me brought back all of my mother's worst feelings about my father, both before and after his death. In my mother's eyes, the sins of the father were certainly carried by this daughter.

It is with great sadness that I admit that I will not miss my mother. There are many parts of me and of my siblings that come from her; these I can continue to celebrate or censure without mixed emotions. I feel liberated to finally get to know the men and women that my siblings have become.


  1. May the Lord be with you as you deal with the death of your mother. Even if I were able, I would not attempt to analyze your relationship with her. I know that God loved her because His written word says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth on him should not perish but have everlasting life." God be with you!

  2. I don't know what happened to the comment, out in cyber space somewhere.

    An honest entry. Christians sometimes miss the boat but exactly what you said, "thinking they must suffer to EARN His love."

    We are captives of our up bringing. I mase the statement one tha mama's sure could cook. a fellow marine said to me, "Not all of them jack, mine could scortch water."

    I am glad you are enjoying your siblings. That is a good thing.
    Happy Thanksgiving. Love from NC

  3. You have expressed yourself so well, so painfully, so honestly. You are among my bravest and my most loved....

  4. My heart is sad for your loss of a life With your mother, I cannot imagine life without mine. I am so happy for you tho, to get to know your kin, and with that, you are blessed.
    I found you through Jack and Fred and as good as they are, I know they understand best beside the Lord Himself., how your heart leaps in peace.